Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Who i am

Who am I? I honestly don’t know myself; when I asked myself that question I couldn’t find the answer.
I used to think I was just a kid with a title-- Andres, but the more I thought of it the more I realized I am
more than just a kid with a name. I kept looking for the answer to that question and found out that I
have only answered parts of the question. I have only just scratched the surface of myself which makes
me wonder who I am really. Am I just Andres or am I something more? Every day I find out more and
more about myself. What describes a person who is smart, emotional, deep, intimidating, strong, and so
much more? Do you know because I don’t? I’ll probably never know myself; to everyone I am too
complex and I agree with them. I don’t really understand myself. I have only just seen parts of me and I
know there is more but what is it?
Over the summer I found two parts of me that I have never seen, how far have I dug in my heart and
how much deeper can I dig. I think of my other parts as multiple personalities each with a different
ability. I have found seven parts of me so far, and I know there are more parts of me left. It’s almost like a
puzzle really; piece after piece will fit with each other until they finally make the picture they are
supposed to make. These parts don’t give themselves names and I don’t want to name them (except I did
name one) but I will describe them.
My first part of me is the one that is always the most common to notice. That part is always thinking
looking for answers to life questions, and is the one that seems to procrastinate most of the time. I seem to
live in a different state of mind, all fantasy and sorrow. This part of me sees how horrible and destructive
the world is and always seems to dream on how that part could make things better. that part sees how the
world is so tainted in greed and power, every flaw which is why I always seem to stare. Even though I
see the world so tainted when I view into the eyes of a person I see no flaw. This part of me is to me very
helpful but weird to other people.
The second part of me I discovered during soccer. That part always seems to come out each time they
score twice on me. I play goalie during soccer; when that second goal goes in I find myself messing my
hair until it stands up on its own. For some bizarre reason I’m actually more focused but more aggressive
which I actually don’t like about that part of me, but when I am in that stage no one is able to score
anymore. In a way this part of me is a good part for everyone. My teammates never have to worry about
losing, but it saddens me how come I can never use that focus during class. After a soccer game I will
always ask myself if I can summon my focus without bringing out my aggressive side. This part of me is
almost like an uncontrolled balance between yin and yang; both will keep fighting until the end.
My third discovery is the only one I named. His name is Fluffy and that part comes out when I am
extremely bored. Just like my second, that part messes up my hair, but makes it puffier, almost like a
fluffy dog. That one is really entertaining this personality can make anyone laugh but that part of me does
it in really bizarre ways. Fluffy is like the comedian in me except that part doesn’t have many puns that
part just uses physical humor as his weapon of choice. Everyone likes that part of me but that part of me
can be very weird sometimes and completely random. This part of me is to me a good part no bad part in
it except for the fact that that part of me will become annoying after a while, but besides that Fluffy is
really cool.
The fourth one I would consider normal but a bit meaner, that part of me came out in seventh grade this
part of me I hate, and it always gets me into trouble. This one talk’s way too much, doesn’t listen to the
teacher, talks back to the teacher and hurts and insults friends and family. By the time I snap out of that
one I find myself either in detention, the principal’s office, my room or at a far away distance from my
friends thinking of how big of an idiot I have been. This part of me comes out when I am so annoyed, that
it is part is pretty harsh and annoying. I really don’t like this part of me and no one else does either, this
part is like a monkey that has been caged and then let lose inside someone’s house, this part is very, very
aggravating.
The fifth piece of my puzzle is a bit of a writer, this part of me always writes of death, love and fantasy.
The death this part of me thinks of isn’t an ugly death but this part tries to capture beautiful deaths. This
part thinks that a beautiful death is sad, beautiful and artistic, and that part is probably right. A beautiful
death is like a painting, a piece of art that is worth a tear. Sadness and sorrow drives this part of me out
and then follows it by an urge to write. Sometimes I look back at my writing and wonder who the heck
wrote it. This part is very helpful when I have to write essays or I want to write just to relieve my stress.
To everyone this part is of me is an intelligent person who has a way with words, but to me that part is
just someone who relieves my anger and stress.
My sixth part is the intelligent part of me; he comes out when I am very, very confused, as confused as
a child who spun around to many times. When I am in that type of confusion that part of me comes out
and starts observing everything almost like a detective really. This part just starts splitting things apart
this part knows and sees flaws, and practically knows everything really. The problem with this part is that
it always tries to stay a little longer like it wants to live, almost like it wants to control me which is why I
don’t like using that part too much. Yet this part of me is very helpful when it comes to a very
complicated problem, but it never comes out during tests which is another reason I don’t like this part of
me it never helps me when I need it. To everyone this part is annoying because it criticizes too much.
The last part of me I have discovered is deep and compassionate and loves to give people advice that
part of me is my favorite so far. This part always seems to come out when a friend is having problems;
my sensitive side is what this part is. This part is so wise and so deep this part seems almost poetic in a
way. This part is so down to earth it knows what reality is and how to conquer it, this part is to me a good
part it puts others before itself, it will never hurt anyone’s feelings and it learns from the past. Almost like
a historian it learns from the past and makes sure it does not repeat. Maybe that is why it is so wise and
helpful it learns from past mistakes and ensures that it can mold a future by looking back. Everyone this
part of me has helped has literally fallen in love with it, as if this part of me had the scent of love potion
#37. To me this part is my teacher of happiness it’s advice on reality is almost professional, which is
probably why it is one of my favorite parts of me.
All of these parts are my puzzle each one will fit to another, but I yet to find puzzle pieces that are
missing. My full human being, the one that was whole before it was shattered, will show again when I
have found all the missing pieces and fit them together. Right know I am just a jumbled up Rubik’s cube
that needs to be put into its original form. When I have accomplished that I, Andes Flores, will be able to
do what each part of me can do and so much more. I am who I am just a kid whose eyes aren’t polluted
by the world but his soul is lost in the darkest corners of his mind. I am Andres Flores the picture of
all my puzzle pieces put together, a collage of everything that describes everything about me yet I have
yet to find more of myself. Right now I am wondering through the darkness searching helplessly for
myself and without a flashlight. I could only see parts of myself in the darkness and sometimes they just
pop out of nowhere scaring me when I see them because of what they do. Right now I’m just a a boy lost
in the darkest corners of my mind and the only thing that keeps me intact is that I know who I am I am
Andres Flores.